Jeff

no doubt

Why does she always have this doubt about me ?

Have I not been clear enough in my feelings and thoughts ?

I just hate hearing it, hearing that she doubts me. The fact that she seems to believe that she will end up alone and that I will suddenly get this urge to go looking for something better when she’s the only one I’ve wanted to be with for so long. She just seems afraid to give in, to commit like I have. It pains me, I am so scared right now. Scared that I may have ended it, if only by accident. I want to be with her, I have not a single inkling of doubt about that fact, but if she is always going to give herself an avenue out, a way for me to hurt her to make it easier for her to get out, I don’t know how this can continue. I am too afraid of hurting her, I don’t want to be like those other guys, the ones who think their feelings are above those they love. I would rather suffer than see my actions put someone I love in pain. I just don’t want to see it over, not when I feel there is still so much more to go. But if I will end up hurting you, which these doubts I feel will bring about this pain, then I don’t want to give myself the chance to let it come to fruitation.

If you are reading this, know that I am always here, there is nothing holding me back. I have not once been untrue to you. I just hope and pray that it will be all better, I don’t know what will happen with the rest of this semester otherwise…

Long Time

Its been a week since I last posted anything, I’ve been turned down on a few of the resume submissions, even the one that called me asking to submit my resume… I should just stop getting my hopes up this semester. I’ve got an exam in the morning, hopefully it goes better than the one I had today… long story. Frisbee intramurals start on Sunday, I hope we can get far. Its nice to get into frisbee again. I plan on attending a few tournaments with these guys, a few friends are playing with me too, so it has turned into a big part of my weekly life. I’m getting into shape, and its fun at the same time. I look forward to going out every other day and spending two hours competing in the game. I missed it for so long…

I’ve got like 10 weeks left and then one last semester. I need a job by then, a place to stay, and a gameplan. I just don’t think I’m ready or am going to find a way to succeed in that time. I’m going to be scraping by just to get an interview late into the spring semester. I have talked to numerous companies, applied to many of them, and have been getting turned down left and right. I just can’t get past the paper part of it. My friends are all getting interviews, even if its with companies I have no interest in. This streak of lack of success is really losing any optimism or hope I had going into this. I fear I will end up with a crap ass job that I will care little about and just end up rotting there for 40 years of my life… I want to enjoy a job, and I don’t want to have to worry about one right up until graduation. SOMEONE HIRE ME!

IR week is over

So I’ve finished IR week, it was quite a doozy. I spent three days preparing, attending, researching, and otherwise getting denied by companies to be hired. I just am not the greatest paper candidate for a job. I don’t have any intern experience, I don’t have a stellar GPA, but I think if I can ever get to an interview, I am a good candidate. Then Thursday and Friday I spent catching back up with homework that I neglected for the three days during IR. Then this weekend I got drunk on Saturday at breakfast club, slept through the tailgate and game, and then slacked off all day today. So it means I have a tough week ahead of me, but less interview denials. I hopefully will get it all done, with plenty of time of course (e_e). I have a lot on my plate, I should have worked today to get some of it done, but I just wanted to enjoy some of my week. Tomorrow will be devoted to my project, then I need to push in the lab exercise by Wednesday and then finish up the 437 lab by Friday morning. sigh I have been doing this for four years now, it doesn’t even scare me this time… God I’m getting old. I may even finish off the sorting menu for image galleries by the weekend, I have the fancy animated javascript almost done, its all done by hand too, fancy me!